Today was amazing.
Both statements are true.
Neither one affects the other.
They both stand free and clear.
They are not opposites.
Once upon a time—honestly, not that long ago—I was unable to hold complex, intellectual/emotional disparities without rapidly deteriorating into an overtake by the most-negative mental/emotional state possible.
Today was amazing because I got to work with my business and storytelling partner to put flesh on some deeply personal material of mine. It was fun to watch as the kettle started to boil once more.
I am so grateful to have a creative partner who balances me so well and is capable of finding things to be passionate about in a narrative that is so heavily trained toward me. Even I don’t like spending this much time with myself. To think that another human would find joy and purpose and zest for themselves inside of that setup is something that fills me with wonder and a deep sense of gratitude.
Today sucked for reasons that I have yet to fully understand. Maybe I’ll figure that part out and maybe I won’t. It doesn’t really matter. Since when has depression ever had to justify itself?
What matters is that I am not being tossed on my ass by that heavy, unrelenting feeling. It isn’t causing a complete system overtake. I did get a little shitty as I was prepping dinner. That’s probably when it peaked. But Adrian pulled me back. Since then, I’ve cooled down.
Now I feel joy alongside the suck.
And oh, if you only knew what an accomplishment that is for me! When I am able to experience calm within the storm, that’s when magic can happen.
Like the other day, when I was a little twisted up about my screaming babies trying to rip each other’s hearts out, I had the good sense to calmly break up the fight and direct their attention elsewhere.
In addition to calming things down for them (and me), my ability to regulate my stress response made possible a beautiful moment between Charlie and I, as I helped him cook his very first meal ever... and in Daddy’s special cast iron.
I’m grateful that I’m grateful.
You have no idea.